Thanksgiving Binge No More!

I use to wake up on Thanksgiving morning and think "I'd better wear lose pants to make room for all the food." Today I did not have that thought at all, other then to think that I was grateful that my attitude has changed so much. I am more then satisfied with the foods I can eat (ones that my body does not react to in an insane way), in the quantity that I've committed to the evening before (Each day I call a sponsor and commit to them what I will eat for that next day.).

I looked at a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies late morning, I had enjoyed the smell as they baked, and how pretty they looked on the plate, but I did not NEED to eat any, and I did NOT feel deprived! That is a miracle! God is removing the obsession from me. I can truly truly say that I am grateful that they are no longer my food. God is good! He's removing the obsession from me one day at a time as long as my eyes are stayed on him. 

Each morning I turn over my self will to God (as all it has ever gotten me is into trouble) and I ask him to show me what his will is for my day. I ask him to remove my obsession with food and alcohol, so that I can be of better service to those I love, and to each person I come in contact with. This little bit of time I've been taking each day is making all the difference. Addiction is no small thing, I know now it is not something I can control, but I am seeing the miracle of what God can do if I just stay focused on him. 

I talk to God throughout my day. Any little thought of eating or drinking that comes to mind, I take it to him and ask him to help me. He always does. This is such a simple practice, but I have been amazed at the results.

I also have dear friends in program now that are there to help, and they know I am there for them to. It is hard for me to reach out to others for help. I still struggle with that, but anytime I call them they are always glad to hear from me and they totally understand what I'm going through. I am so grateful for them.

I am also thankful that I can make this lovely dinner for my family, with all their favorite Thanksgiving day treats, and not feel the need to indulge in it myself. I'll have my weighed and measured portions of the foods my body can handle, and I can enjoy making a special meal for my loved ones. That is another miracle for me!

So, on this Thanksgiving day 2012, I have SO much to be thankful for. This is the first Thanksgiving day for me, that has been way more about the thankfulness then it is about the food, and that feels as it should be. Blessings and joy to you all!

The Joy of Counting Fat Rolls

I remember when my first baby was about six months old, we could count the little fat rolls around her thighs and belly. We just thought they were so cute; healthy baby fat. As adults fat rolls are anything but cute, and counting them can be rather traumatic... normally.

Rolls are cute on puppies to!

I've been over weight most of my life. I had a few years in childhood were I wasn't a couple years between high school and adulthood, that's about it. Other then that there has been way to much fat on this body.

Through the years I tried diet after diet, a few pounds would come off, but always even more would come back on; each with its own fat roll to go with it. I could have named each fat roll for the diets that didn't work, but what would have been the point in that. Besides, eventually all the fat rolls combined into one giant fat roll that encompassed my body like a balloon. If only it really were a balloon, I could have punctured it and been done with this journey! :D

Then the journey would have been over though, and I have miles to go and much to learn. So now that I've lost more then 26 pounds, in a little over a month, a new phenomenon has occurred! Fat rolls are re-appearing! At first there were two, now there are three. My body is starting the process toward having a shape again! It may seem laughable to be joyfully counting my fat rolls, but they give me solid evidence that fat is exiting my body. Yes!

I only weigh once a month, on the first of each month (part of my recovery program), so I can't tell you for sure how much more weight I've lost since then, but my body is letting me know in unique ways, and I like it!

This time around I am not on a diet, or a food plan, I'm restructuring my whole life. I'm recovering from my addictions and learning how to live life more fully, one day at a time.

Learning to Be Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

Pain is not something I've never dealt with well. I put my lower back out yesterday and the pain continues today. In the past I had my food binges or alcohol to numb out to, and comfort myself with. Without my good old pals now I have to learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings. Or as I heard someone in program say "You have to learn to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable." Now there's an oxymoron for you!

As the pain kept me from doing all the things I wanted to today, I found myself getting angry about it. The anger felt justified, it was aimed at no one, I just felt angry. Later the anger disintegrated into tears. Tears of frustration and sorrow, over the things I could not do for myself. Helplessness, powerlessness, no not again!

Back to the first step in program admitting our powerlessness. When it comes right down to it we all have things in our life that we would have to admit being powerless over. I do not like admitting I'm powerless, I do not like feeling vulnerable or needy. This whole recovery process so far seems to have me depending on everyone but myself. I have to talk to sponsors, I have to be told what to do to get better and follow those directions, I have to take these steps that I keep stumbling over and falling on my face, I have to turn my will and my life over to the care of God...

So I did that today. At least I told him I was giving it to him, and asked if maybe could he heal the back pain while he was at it? :) No magic flashes of light, but the bad feelings are gone. The desire to eat or drink over it has left. Yes I'm still in pain, that's it. I have to ask for help to even get my computer to my lap, that's it. I have to depend on others and my invisible God? that's it!

Yes, this pain has taught me a few things. I'm learning more every day. I came to recovery willing to do whatever it took to regain my health and save my life. Little did I know that the answer would lie in nothing that I could truly do for myself, that God would do it for me, if I just asked him on a daily basis. I can do that!

Well the back pain took precedence over what I was going to write on today, which was The Joy of Counting Fat Rolls, you'll have to wait on pins and needles for that one tomorrow. ;)

Joy Everyone!
MJ

There is Always a Beginning...

Yes, there is always a beginning, and I've had many. I have tried so many things to change my life, but have never made it to the finish line. I can't promise that this time will be any different, in fact in many ways I doubt that it will be. I'm afraid to say that though, as it want it so badly.  At 47 years old I was shocked to find that I'd hit my highest weight ever, 321 pounds. I was on several medications, had declining health, I was drinking heavily and just felt that I would never get control over these things that were keeping me prisoner in a body of fat and misery. Now, 30 days later, I've been granted a reprieve, it's a daily reprieve, but it's a reprieve non the less. One day at a time I am turning over these addictions to God as I understand him, and each day I've been able to stay abstinent, and sober. 30 days has made a huge difference. I dropped 26 pounds down to 295, and went down almost 2 sizes in clothes! I'm off my blood pressure and cholesterol medications. I'm starting to have more energy. I know I still have a long way to go, and it's going to take probably a couple of years, but I am ready and willing to continue on this path I've started down. This journey has not been easy, but with the 12 step programs I've had the support I need to keep moving forward. God is doing wonders in my life and I plan to stay around to see the miracle. It's never to late to begin again.